This post was deemed a little too saucy for my sex blog at The Province, so given it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I decided to publish it here. Happy V-day from me to you possums! x
Following a mid-morning snog session, I knew it was on. I sneaked into the loo, snatching my newly purchased pasties en route. Satin, royal blue, heart shaped with black trim and tassels, my ta-tas were about to be scantily accessorized.
I was feeling a tad tentative, given this was my first time. First time applying pasties, that is. I was recently given some advice by a Vancouver-based burlesque dancer who suggested I use double-sided carpet tape. While I appreciate this may be the way to go if you’re performing under hot lights all night, for the purposes of sexual persuasion, I felt that double-sided flash tape would suffice. Boy, am I ever glad I followed my instincts, as the removal of pasties is not nearly as fun as the initial application. But I digress.
I emerged from the bathroom, proudly donning my décolletage décor, to a warm reception. Men appreciate anything that takes them by surprise in the bedroom, and apparently tassels hanging freely from one’s titties are a welcome addition. What I wasn’t prepared for was the expectation that I’d know what to do with them. Not my tits, per se, but the act of twirling said pasties in manner of Dita Von Teese. It’s not enough to stand there with a sultry look in your eye, you have to be able to make those suckers move. In unison. In a saucy, circular motion, while maintaining a sexy disposition. This is the tricky part.
I found myself spastically wriggling around like a maniac, trying to get those tassels twirling in the right direction. Nothing that I was putting out there could be considered sexy, but I kept at it like a champ, thinking to myself how hard could this be? I was concentrating so hard on the pasties, completely ignoring my patient audience of one who somehow managed not to burst out laughing. Instead, he offered words of encouragement, but at this point I had determined that operation pasties had failed miserably.
I’m not hanging up my tassels for good, but I do encourage all you saucy ladies to practice twirling your titties – just so – before putting on pasties for your man. You’ll thank me for it.